Dear God: How do You speak so loudly without saying anything aloud?

My ears are ringing, my heart is throbbing and my brain is abuzz.

Because God has been talking to me a lot about

G R A C E

Loving people

Weird, not-nice, difficult people. Mostly-nice people who have great hearts but don't know they can be not-nice with their words and actions. Really nice people who just need patience and prayer and grace from me. Grumpy people. Jealous people. Spiteful people. Lazy people. People who don't know God. People who do know God but are mad at Him. People who do know God but are "taking a break" at the moment. People who do know God but haven't heard from Him in awhile. Or ever.

The beauty of our dreams.

Change.

Hope.

Stories.

Every cell in my body is saturated with thoughts and whispers and questions about these things. I would say God is practically yelling at me but I don't think that would be accurate. I think He has been talking to me for awhile about these things.

I just wasn't ready to hear them.

I just wasn't ready to hear Him.

I just wasn't willing to hear Him.

Because I was too busy listening to my voice.

Because I was too busy listening to other people's advice.

Because I was too afraid to hear what He'd say.

Because I was too unwilling to change.

Because I was too afraid of trying to change

And failing.

Because I was too afraid of failing.

This is a lot of things to hear and feel at once, I know. I often won't write when I'm mentally and emotionally constipated with thoughts upon thoughts but this time, I felt I had to share.

Because I don't think I'm alone.

I hope you know I'm more like you than you might think.

• I didn't go to a Christian college.
• I didn't study theology.
• I'm not well-read on Christian-ANYTHING.
• I majored in Literature and Writing.
• I know more about William Faulkner and the appropriate use of semi-colons than exegesis of the bible. (I'm sure I didn't really use "exegesis" properly in that sentence. Please don't judge me too harshly.)
• I pursued what I thought was a meaningful existence instead of pursuing a relationship with God. Thankfully, He allowed me to survive my pursuit of "the good life" so I could get to know Him.
• I have a hard time flossing regularly.
• I don't return my library books on time.
• I like cheese. A lot.
• I have spider veins and cellulite.
• I don't wash my face before bed.
• Although I once told my now-husband I wasn't like other girls in this area, I do like purses and shoes. A lot.
• I have a mustache. My husband, Mike, calls it a "catfish mustache".
• I find shaving my legs to be a laborious chore.
• For the most part, I want people to like me. I get sad when I find out they don't.
• I cuss sometimes.
• I'm not always kind, although I'd like to change this about myself because I really value kindness.
• I sing aloud loudly and off-key, and I typically get lyrics wrong. Really wrong. When I heard, "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" by AC/DC, I thought it was, "Dirty deeds and the thunder chiefs." I didn't know the song wasn't about Indians until Mike told me I was wrong. He laughed at me for a really, really long time.

I'm not an expert on anything. I'm just a girl who wants to know God before she meets Him face-to-face.

SO. That being said, I think there will be more questions and conversations with God on this blog this year. To be honest, I'm a little scared because I'm bad at the things He's talking to me about—you know, loving people and showing grace to them. (No big deal.)

(Just kidding.)

But I will be as honest as I can in case you're going through the same stuff.

Know you're not alone.

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