I need a prayer sub

Life has been full of more hardships than good things lately. I am fine weathering storms but lately I feel as though I've been trying to swim in a riptide. Wearing jeans. And boots. Instead of going to God to say, "Unholy expletive! HELP!" I've kept kicking and paddling along--which is silly and futile, of course, as anyone who has ever swum in jeans and boots can attest to.


Instead, I have rescheduled appointments with God. I have tried to keep myself together with a lot of coffee and cheese.

This seemed like a plausible solution at the time. I now know it's dumb. And it makes my mouth taste really, really bad.

I finally cried. On Crosby. I buried my face into his warm side and cried, and then I apologized to him for getting his fur wet because it must’ve been annoying. Then I ate a piece of strawberry pie and too much Chipotle. When I say “piece”, I should clarify because “piece” is misleading: I ate through a quarter of the pie. By myself. In one sitting.

I felt a little better afterwards.

The relief was temporal because all of the things that made me feel sad/angry/frustrated/overwhelmed are still the same. Without going into too much detail, I will share that I have the heartbreaking privilege of standing beside some friends and family members who are in their darkest places right now. I have the honor of hearing about secret fears and tremendous sorrows—about cancer

and failing hearts
and dying family members
and crumbling marriages
and financial crises
and unhealthy work environments
and bodies that don't work like they should
and degenerative autoimmune diseases
and terrible side effects of medicines that might buy time
      but demand too much of health and quality of life and dreams of future-babies
            to be helpful.

But at the same time, I've also been invited to celebrate new beginnings--marriage, babies, jobs, adventures.
I am having a difficult time juggling joy and sorrow. I haven't figured out how to mourn and celebrate in the same breath. I feel numb and parched and achy all at the same time.

I don't know what to say.

(Is there anything left to say?)

I am trying to pray about all of these things but I don't know where to start.

I just can't stop crying.