An Anniversary to Remember

I.

“Let us look forward to the coming anniversaries, with their age and their gray hairs without fear and without depression, trusting and believing that the love we bear each other will be sufficient to make them blessed.”

Samuel Langhorn Clemens to his wife, Olivia “Livy” Langdon

II.

September was full of wedding-related festivities and milestone birthday celebrations

And this:

Lower Twin Lakes - Mammoth Lakes, California

Hiking to the "open pit", which we've affectionately nicknamed "The Bear Cave", above Lower Twin Lakes. 

And before we knew it, it was our anniversary.

How has it already been five years since this?

9/27/2008 - Best day of my life.

We’d wanted to get out of town for the weekend, but after spending the last two weekends in the mountains, we were tired and broke.

So we stayed local and hung out.

It was lovely.

Brunch at Bottega Louie.

Sustenance for our walk around L.A.

Dinner at Black Hogg. I'm pretty sure everything was laced with cocaine. How else can I explain why I'm still fiending for it several weeks later?

That weekend, we didn't worry about whether or not we would ever have children or how we would pay for IVF or if the treatments would actually work for us.

That weekend, we didn't talk about building our family through adoption or when we should begin the process or how everything we ate didn't fit within our new diet.

That weekend, we talked and laughed and explored the city, which is pretty much what we've been doing every day since I dropped him off after class eight years ago.

That weekend, I thought about the beginning, when we had nothing but each other and our dreams.

(So really, we had everything we needed.)

When I think about the beginning, I think about what he said to me all those years ago:

“I know I’m short, I don’t have big muscles, and I have a chip in my front tooth. I know there are way better-looking guys you could be with. I don’t have any money, and I probably won’t have a lot of money down the road. So basically, I don’t have anything to give you, but I do know one thing: I will be the best at loving you.”

I know that Mike is really good at loving me when life is good and everything's going smoothly. But last year he proved he was even better at loving me when life was hard, and everything was falling apart.

There were too many days when he'd come home from work and the house would be a mess, and dinner was nowhere near started, and it was obvious I wasn't going to cook or eat anything. So he would cook - after working a long, hard day and commuting two hours in ungodly traffic - and would get me to eat, and would try his best to spend time with the sick person who'd replaced his wife. 

He was patient and loyal and kind. He stuck with me even after I'd given up on myself.

So that weekend, when I thought about the beginning, I also thought about last year and everything in between. 

Calaveras Big Trees State Park, 2005.

I don't want to relive it again, but I'm glad last year happened. Last year gave us the opportunity to test our mettle. Last year threatened to unravel us, but instead, knit us closer together. Last year made this anniversary feel especially sweet. We did it - we survived last year. We made it to five.

Hallelujah. 

III.

Mike and I had thought we'd be parents by the time we celebrated our five-year anniversary. I don't know why. We just assumed we'd be celebrating this anniversary with little people who looked like us.

We just celebrated five years of marriage, and it's still just us (and Crosby). 

It feels a lot like the beginning, though we are older and have grown-up jobs and more lines on our faces. We no longer have nothing, but we still have our dreams.

I’m not sure what will happen next. I have no answers, and to be honest, sometimes I still get scared. Sometimes I still plead with God to make my version of a happy life come true, the version that includes having babies with Mike right now. And then there are moments of clarity when I realize that my version of a happy life has come true: 

I get to hang out with Mike Fox every day. I am seriously the luckiest girl.

At the top of the waterfall overlooking Lower Twin Lakes.

Happy anniversary, my Mike. Being your girl is the greatest adventure of my life. I love growing old with you.