Looking Back

I.

November 19, 2005. 4:00 A.M.
About three-quarters of the way through Monty Python: Quest for the Holy Grail, Mike--my close friend, classmate, and neighbor--tentatively reached for my left hand in what I imagine was an attempt to hold it. He only managed to grab my pinky and ring-finger. I’m not sure if that was his intention but he didn’t make a second attempt to get a better grip. He just held on and stared at the television. I didn’t know what to do so I did what I’d wanted to do for a long time: I freed my fingers and gouged his eyes out.

Just kidding.

I held his hand. It was nice.

To be honest, I don’t remember the rest of the movie. While the credits rolled (and there were a lot of credits) he spilled his guts, which were messy, and waited--scared--to see how I would react. Then I spilled my guts. We found out our guts liked each other. A lot. And then it was 6:15 and I had to leave for a 7:00-7:00 work day. I didn’t want to leave! I wanted to figure out how all of our guts were going to affect our friendship. The inevitable change freaked me out a little (okay, a lot) because his friendship was the best thing in my life. Deep down inside, I wanted to know if his guts, unlike the others, would actually stick around. To my sweet surprise, he gently kissed me on the forehead. All of a sudden those questions weren’t so urgent. In fact, some weren’t even relevant. I realized I had never been so happy about being so utterly exhausted in my entire life, and that I didn’t want to wash my forehead.

II.

I remember the first time I told Mike I loved him. We were fairly brand new at that point—maybe a month or more into our relationship—and I wanted to do everything the right way (whichever way that was; I had no idea). I was raised to believe I shouldn’t chase--I should allow myself to be chased--so saying “I love you” first was definitely against the rules. But I wanted to do it. I knew I didn’t want to date anyone else for the rest of my life. So I foolishly told him I had something to tell him, which made it sound like I had some big secret to reveal. Of course, he gave me his complete attention, which made me feel…self-conscious, I guess, even though I knew I had no reason to worry. He wasn’t going to point at me and say, “You love me? That’s stupid!” or “Really? Thanks! I love you, too, but I’d love you more if you waxed your upper lip.”

I think I was just afraid “I love you” wouldn’t be good enough. I didn’t want him to misinterpret it as being cheap or forced. I tried to think of alternatives but what were supposed to be one-liners turned into epic poems; “You complete me” had already been done. Even my attempt at an acrostic fell short! Those are supposed to be slam dunks, your ace in the hole! So I licked my lips and started to fold Mike’s laundry. He told me to leave it, that it wasn’t important. I sprawled out on the bottom bunk. He sprawled out next to me, waiting patiently for me to say something.

“I…I…wow, I didn’t think this would be so hard…I mean, it’s not hard because it’s not like I’m lying…I’m just really nervous…” *licking lips*

Mike looked at me and said, “Don’t be nervous. It’s just me. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. Just tell me when you’re ready, if you’re ever ready.” When I get really nervous I have a habit of tugging on my earlobe or scratching myself even though I’m not itchy. I launched into an ear-tugging body-scratching fit. I must have looked odd but Mike didn’t say anything.

“No I want to tell you. It’s not a bad thing! It’s a good thing! I just…I’m having...I’m scared…”

And so it went for 12 long minutes before I blurted, “I heart you” instead of “I love you.” LAME! How STUPID! "I'm a man" would've been more exciting than "I heart you"!!!

Two hours later, without much fanfare or build-up, I simply said, “I love you”. Beneath a brilliant sky, he smiled and said, “I love you, too.”

III.

September 22, 2007

We were supposed to be meeting our friends, Shiao and Christian, on the San Clemente Pier before heading to Sonny's for dinner. I was really excited about dinner! I had been thinking about what I was going to order all day: wild mushroom ravioli with tomato cream sauce. Instead, I saw this:



And before I really knew what was going on, Mike was down on one knee asking me to marry him. I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything. In my defense, I really had been focused on the wild mushroom ravioli (it's DELICIOUS!)...and Mike said we wouldn't be getting married for awhile.

"Is that a yes?"

He didn't even know which hand to put it on.  I could barely speak so I thrust my left hand at him.  I always thought I'd be incredibly glamorous (or at least more feminine) when a man  finally proposed to me.  You know, I thought I'd finally have that whole "woman" thing down.  I thought I'd at least be wearing a beautiful gown and have thick, flowing locks, which is ridiculous because I've never had thick flowing locks in my LIFE.  I guess it fits that my best friend proposed to me while I was wearing a thermal, jeans, and brown Converse. *sigh*  Oh well.

I started to call my parents when I heard screaming. I looked up to see my twelve-year-old cousin, Michaela, screaming and waving her arms as she ran toward us. Behind her, our families carried flowers and rushed toward us yelling and cheering.  Everyone that mattered most to us had been hiding, waiting for the proposal.  And then I started crying. I just couldn't believe that of all the women in the world, he had picked me.

As we headed to my parents' house for a surprise engagement dinner, I looked at Mike and said, "Does this mean we're not going to Sonny's?"

You know, the ring was nice and all but I'm still waiting to eat wild mushroom ravioli.

Kidding (mostly).