Future-Babies (or babies of the future)

I.

I have a confession:

I actually talked to my imaginary children this morning.

I won't tell you what I said because I'm a little embarrassed to admit this but you can laugh at me. It’s pretty silly.

I looked in the rearview mirror and pictured them sitting in the backseat playing-poking-eating-laughing-screaming-crying-throwing up-waving-smiling-sleeping-looking at the outside world in wonder. And I thought,

I hope I get to meet you some day.

I’ve been thinking about them a lot lately (my future-babies). I wonder if God will give them to me, if He’ll send them to me for safe-keeping or if He’ll keep them with Him. I will be the first to acknowledge that for awhile, I lived my life without thinking about them at all. I made bad choices, ones that scarred me in ways I didn’t anticipate. And when the glamour and allure of the fast life eventually faded into black, empty nothingness, when I was left alone, I remembered my future-babies.

But was it already too late?

I buried my questions and anxieties and prayers and tears and guilt deep inside. I couldn’t let any of that baggage bubble to the surface, not when I was trying to find a friend, someone who would stick around even though I was a broken mess.

I never thought that the friend God sent me would be my great love, the person He had made just for me.

I wish I had waited for him. Mike never dwells on my past but I know it affects him. He never uses it against me. We have talked and will probably continue to talk about how my choices have affected us, are affecting us, will continue to affect us. It is at those times I feel the most remorse over the things I’ve done, the person I was, because it affects Mike and our future-babies. It's so unfair to them.

II.

Sometimes I wonder if God pulled Mike aside and gave him a pep talk. He's just so good at loving me I think he must be getting paid by my parents or has been guaranteed a room upgrade in heaven. A pep talk seems more realistic. I imagine God waiting for Mike at a coffee shop, some place charming and quaint with old wood, exposed brick walls, mismatched cups, and delicious food. Mike shows up and walks toward God’s table. He extends his hand to shake God's hand when God embraces him. It’s a real hug, too, not just a man-hug. Mike sits down. On the table are two cups of coffee, a tattered leather-bound journal, and cream and sugar. They both reach for the cream at the same time. Mike says,

“Sorry—You first.”

So God complies to avoid a potentially awkward exchange while Mike adds sugar to his cup. He adds cream when God is done.

They drink in silence before God says,

“What do you think of Bean?”

And I’m not sure what Mike would actually say (and don’t want to be presumptuous) but if I have to guess, I assume he would say something like,

“She’s great. I like her a lot.” He takes another sip of his coffee before adding,

“She has been through a lot.” God nods.

“Indeed.”

And because Mike isn’t sure what to say (or why God is asking) he adds,

“But I do love her, you know, despite all that. She’s cool.”

God nods in agreement but doesn’t say anything because He’s swallowing His coffee.

“You’re probably wondering why you’re here.”

Mike nods.

“I wanted to talk to you about Bean.” He stops a server walking past and orders a cheese Danish.

“Do you want anything?” Mike initially shakes his head “no” but at God’s insistence, orders a blueberry scone. Their orders arrive almost immediately.

“Bean is wounded. I’ve allowed her to experience much hurt and many types, too. Unfortunately, this makes her…complicated.”
Mike takes a drink of his coffee and says, “I understand.”

God takes another bite of His Danish.

“I made you for her because I know you will do the best job of loving her. She’s going to need you a lot, you know, to help her heal. I’ll work with her directly to handle the major issues—self-image, pride, brokenness, etc.—but I just need you to stay; stay with her, Mike. When she tells you to give up, please don’t. It’s going to be hard. And as you two work through everything together, you will be hurt as well, I’m afraid.”
Mike nods but doesn’t say anything. God flips through His journal, which is full of hand-written letters and photographs before finding what He’s looking for. He pulls out a photograph and slides it across the table toward Mike. It is a picture of me, or at least a girl/woman who looks like me. She looks very happy. He stares at it long and hard before asking,

“Is this…?”

God nods.

“This is Bean the way I made her to be. I love her so much, Mike. I wish she could see herself the way I see her.” There is a mixture of fondness and sadness in God’s voice as He talks to Mike about me. He has tears in His eyes. Mike, perhaps because he feels awkward or out of respect, keeps his head down.

“Somewhere along the way, she has forgotten how much I love her. She can no longer see herself the way I see her.”

He hesitates before continuing, which prompts Mike to look up.

“Please love her. Show her how much I love her, and when you want to give up because she has hurt you so, remember this photograph. That girl is in there somewhere. She’s the one for you. You’ll see.”
III.

When I realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Mike, wanted him to be the father of my future-babies, wanted to grow old with him till my teeth fell out, I felt guilty.

Had I spoiled our chances to meet our future-babies?

Of course, I don’t have the answer to this question. I used to be better about suppressing it and hiding it from everyone. Lately, for whatever reason, it has been harder to ignore. I often find myself thinking about my sweet future-babies and wondering if I’ll ever meet them or if I’ll have to wait till we get to heaven.

IV.

Dear Future-Babies,

Wherever you are, I hope you know how much I love you. I want so badly to meet you, to hold you, to smell your sweet baby drool and feel your heart beat against mine. I want to sing songs to you off-key till you fall asleep…unless my singing is so bad it keeps you awake. I can play tapes. And hum, I can hum. I want you to meet Mike because he is wonderful! He is excited to meet you guys, too. He’s funny and kind and can’t wait to teach you all sorts of things about the world. We talk about you guys often and look forward to the day we meet, whether it’s during this lifetime or when we get to heaven.

Love,

Bean (and Mike, too)