some thoughts about life [for lack of a better title]

Disclaimer: The format of this post could cause eye strain, maybe even dizziness or vomiting. I apologize in advance for the eyeball work-out you will receive. Please forgive me for being so indulgent!

I.

When I finally meet my future-babies, I don't want to tell them about things I wanted to do but never did. I don't want to tell them about dreams deferred, about writing as a hobby--a foolish dream I entertained when I was young--and about the life I wish I had lived.

I want to tell them I lived.

And when I meet God, I want Him to be excited about the life I've lived. I want Him to ask me to retell certain parts over coffee and cupcakes [even though He knows all the details] as we sit on the porch of my house in heaven.

II.

God gives us this one life to do so many things: create.

                                                              inspire.

                                                    imagine.

                                dream [BIG!].

                 know Him.
                                                                                        
                                 play.

                                       discover.

                                                  LOVE.

                                                           wonder.

I don't want to waste this precious [fleeting] opportunity to live.

I don't want to meet Him at the end of all things

                                                                       for the first time.

I don't want that for anyone in my life.

This life of mine--what do I want it to look like? Now is the time to ask

What does God want it to look like?

I believe He wants me to be content

      with His tremendous blessings

             with circumstances beyond my control

                     [because He is at work even if I can't see/feel it.]

I believe He wants me to learn to love

       with no agenda [on His terms, not mine]

            love people where they're at

                  [even if they're there for the rest of their lives]

                         with steadfast patience and diligence

                   like it's my job

                         [because it is]

I believe He wants me to know Him intimately

                                                        so I can know His heart.

I believe He wants me to CREATE

        friendships and live a good story.

[Thanks, Don Miller, for putting it in perspective and in words I could understand].

I believe He wants me to INSPIRE

        with LOVE and JOY and PEACE and
       
               PATIENCE and KINDNESS and GOODNESS and

                      GENTLENESS and FAITH [Galatians 5: 22-23]

[Will I ever truly understand the weight of these things?]

I believe He wants me to BELIEVE in His true nature

              

       because if I did,

             

            I would trust myself and the [limited] things I learned

                from school and Google and Wikipedia

                     less;

        because if I did,

        I would believe that He is GOOD.

        I would believe His promises,

        His hope and unfathomable love for this broken little planet and its

          lost, broken, beautiful people.

I believe He wants me to pray without ceasing,

     which will take some work since the only thing I'm really good at doing

         without ceasing is

            complaining about things that don't really matter.

                   and procrastinating.

I believe He wants me to pluck out my eyeballs and give them a rest

       because my eyes still err on the side of judgment

             instead of compassion.

I believe He has a plan for my life

     that could amount to me becoming

            a woman after His own heart.

                  Everything else would be details for the story.

I believe He wants me to worry less

       about buying our first home

               and having healthy babies

                      and regrets about the past because

                              HE. LOVES. ME.

I believe He can change people I thought never would or could change.

      He just might not change them the way I think He should.

              After all, He is changing me.

                             

III.

And I believe that's what He's doing now because many people I talk to are having the same conversations. I take comfort knowing I'm not alone, knowing that it's not too late to get to know Jesus and God as a grown-up.                                                    

                    

Jesus is my Facebook friend

I.

Dear Jesus,

Will You please accept my friend request?

Love,

Lina

II.

Dear Lina,

Will you please accept mine?

Love,

Jesus

III.

I have a(nother) confession:

I don’t love Jesus.

I don’t love Him the way I love Mike Fox.
I don’t love Him the way I love the sound of children’s laughter.
I don’t love Him the way I love (macaroni and) CHEESE.
I don’t love Him the way I love sunshine and green grass and a cloudless blue sky.
I don’t love Him the way I love America, especially during the Olympics.
I don’t love Him the way I love libraries.
I don’t love Him the way I love the idea of starting a family with Mike.

I could go on for days about all of the things I love (seriously—days) but when it comes to Jesus, I could talk about Him for an hour at most. And I wouldn’t even be talking about Him—I would be talking about things He has done for me and how He has changed my life, [insert most of the right things to say]; unfortunately, I usually spend more time talking about my experiences vs. Jesus. I am embarrassed to admit this but I know it’s true because I have friends who don’t know Him who ask me about Him. I stumble through the highlights of His life like I’m running through a mental outline of everything I’ve ever learned in Christian school or absorbed through osmosis as a pastor’s kid. I try to sound sincere about how much I love Him but I know it sounds

E          m          p          t          y

or sort of made-up and pieced together from books and blogs and journal entries and sometimes the bible (sans scripture references because I haven't memorized one in years).  And afterwards I run through the conversation again and again and beat myself up about the talking points I should’ve included or how I should’ve mentioned that time Jesus saved me from the pervy old man because the story is so ridiculous it proves (without a doubt in my mind) that Jesus is real and that He cares; otherwise He wouldn’t have saved me.

I try to sell Jesus even though He doesn't need to be sold. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I break into a cold sweat when I try to introduce my friends to Jesus. I  can talk to you about gravity and photosynthesis (loosely, with some made-up words and a crude drawing) so why not Jesus?

And then it clicked (loudly):

I don’t really know what I’m talking about.

And then it clicked for me again (just as loudly):

Jesus is my Facebook friend (and not much more).

I know all of the important details and check in often enough to stay in touch but I don’t make the effort to spend time with Him. [Sometimes I send Him flair to change up the routine.]

Saying it aloud hurts:

I don’t know Jesus.

I can barely whisper this but when I say it in my head, it echoes and echoes until it gets swallowed up by the damp stickiness of my head-space:

[I don’t love Him.]

I don’t know Him well enough to love Him.

IV.

I have decided that I want to be more than Facebook friends with Jesus.  I want to meet Him and get to know Him because

I want to fall in love with Him.

I don't want to just get by on memories or the relationship I used to have with Him; I don't want to force Him to accept the shadow of the girl I once was. 

I want to say

I          love          You

and mean it (for real).

I want to tell my future-babies, my co-workers, my neighbors, my family members, my friends who don’t know Him and anyone else God sends my way about my real friend, Jesus; the Jesus of my grown-up-life, beyond the flannel-board, lamb-carrying bearded Jesus of my childhood. I loved Him then.


I want to love Him—know Him—now.