Change is gonna come. In a few days.

I.

[Condensed Version]

I'm going to change it up on this blog next year by adding two more features*:

*I don't think "features" is the right word but I can't think of anything else. Forgive me. "Features" sounds like I'm providing you with something of value, and I can't say for certain that what I'm adding will be of any value to you. :)

• Book Reviews: informal. not serious. my solution to a book club, without the commitment and inevitable shame spiral that I fall into when I don't finish the reading.
• Daily Scribbles: 100 words or less in response to a writing prompt. It could be anything--a poem, a song, a picture, an experience. Anything. 

The book reviews and daily scribbles are for me--to keep me constantly engaged in creative pursuits--but I hope you'll join in, too. I would love to hear/read/see your responses to the book reviews and daily scribbles. 

II.

[Long-winded Version]

I'm not good at playing most games--except for one.

I am the master of the compare game. 

You know what I'm talking about right? When you compare [insert variable] with yourself? It often looks like this:

I just saw on Facebook that [insert person] got her hair cut. Maybe I should get my hair cut...

[insert person] has such a nice car! It's nicer than my car...

Mike, did you know that [insert person] writes a blog? She has way more followers than me...

If it were a good game to play, you'd want me on your team. For life. 

Unfortunately, it's not. It's a very bad game, and I know it. So does everyone else. 

Playing the compare game doesn't make me feel good. It keeps me from being happy for other people when really good things happen to them. It keeps me from believing that who I am, at this moment, is enough. And good. And lovely. Just like God says.

It keeps me from swimming in a glorious sea of contentment. 

I don't want to live like this--play a game I cannot win--forever. I'm pretty sure God doesn't want me to spend time playing it. Besides, playing the compare game is always a slippery slope. It starts out as an observation, but before I know it, I'm coveting, comparing and grumbling. It leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth.

This year, I want to play a new game--live a new life--that's steeped in gratitude and courage and love. I want to do, not just say. Aside from the spirit-enriching, character-stretching benefits of quitting the compare game, I want to play this new game because I'm not getting any younger. If Jesus comes back tomorrow, I won't have very much to talk about. 

I want to have a LOT to talk about. I want to tell Him I didn't squander the gifts He gave me. 

So, in 2012, I am going to stop listening to the voices in my head, the ones that are raspy and croaky and tinny. They say things like, 

Don't kid yourself--she has enough friends. She's just being nice.

But that [insert new thing] is shinier/faster/lighter/prettier!

I wish I had [fill in the blank].

Your writing is just okay.

Your grammar is a little rusty...

The amount of followers and comments you have directly reflect your coolness/popularity/worth.

They're probably not going to like this post as much as the last one.

I know these voices don't say true things, but they are awfully loud. And convincing. Sometimes I mumble the things they say to Mike Fox, my sister, Sarah, and my friend, Nannette. (Thanks for listening to me, guys.) Sarah always knows how to drown out the noise with truth:

"Bean, write for you. Don't write for everyone else. Write because it makes you happy. Remember those stories you used to write in junior high? About the guy with the beautifully tanned skin and the black-as-night hair that was wild and tousled? And the girl with the sad grey eyes?" 

She actually remembers more details and always keeps going, but I am blushing as I type this because those stories, and the writing in those stories, were terrible. TERRIBLE. But, Sarah always says, "Bean, that's not the point. The point is, you had fun then. And you wrote a lot. Your insecurities are keeping you from writing. You need to write!" 

So, that's what I'm going to do. 

I'll also be adding book reviews to this blog. Not serious book reviews--just some thoughts about what I've read, what I'm reading and what I'd like to read. I like the idea of a book club but am wary about committing. What if I don't like the book that's chosen? What if I don't finish my reading before the meeting? Then I can't participate and will feel like I'm hindering the group's discussion. And then I will just stop attending...Anyway, I will be sharing what I'm currently reading (or would like to read) here. I hope you'll share your reading lists with me, too. I'm always looking for another great read!

I'm most excited about starting a daily scribble post. Each day, I will write 100 words or less in response to a prompt. It could be anything--a color, a word, a quote, a song, a picture...(you get the idea). It will probably be really terrible writing--I'm sorry about that!--but if I try to edit myself too much, I will get caught up in the compare game. Or I'll just do what I normally do and wait for inspiration to come to me, which could take forever. (Actual timespan.) So, I'm going to spit out the words and let it be bad. Who knows? I might find something worth saving. 

I'm forcing myself to write on this blog to keep me accountable. I could be writing to no one, but at least my words will exist outside of my body. Please don't hesitate to share what you're reading, respond to a daily scribble, or share something that inspired you. I hope that the book reviews and daily scribbles will be the beginning of a conversation, a creative collaboration. 

As your friend, I have to warn you that there will be a lot of awful writing. You can stop reading and following me if you like. That's okay. I just have to keep writing. I can't die with words inside of me simply because I'm afraid they're not enough.

They're all I have, really.