daily scribbles :: table for one

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Inspiration: 

East Borough. Costa Mesa. December 31, 2011.

I. 

I haven't talked to God in a long time.

("Long" is relative, but it feels long to me.) 

I don't have any excuses--I just haven't. At least not the way we used to. 

It  feels like we broke up, like we've been "taking a break". (And I was the one who initiated it.) During this time of voluntary "aloneness", I've had some really good days and some really not-good ones. Overall, I've  felt okay without our talks.

At least I did for a little while. 


Yesterday, I decided I missed Him and was ready to talk--really talk. This was going to be much more than the Facebook posts or text messages I'd sent Him to get by. 


You know, the types of prayers where you're zipping through the fastest thank you possible so you can tuck into your food. 
Or praying for safety. 
Or just saying, "Thanks for today! Talk to you soon. Promise." 


I was ready to have a full-blown dinner-movie-cocktails kind of date. 


(That probably doesn't sound like a fancy date, but I really like dinner, and I really like movies.)


I was ready to give Him my undivided time and attention.


To prepare myself, I gathered almost every devotional in my house--the ones that already have "the good entries" highlighted and flagged. I figured that after such a long absence, it was probably best for me to dive in with the most compelling entries. I wiped the dust off of the covers and stacked them on my desk. I also grabbed my prayer notebook, the one I use to record praises and requests. It was a little premature but I thought, best to be prepared. I cleared my throat, took a sip of my reheated coffee, and read the day's entry in the first devotional. 

Good, I guess. Thanks for the reminder.

I didn't feel the familiar stirring of convictions/adoration/praise/awe within me. I didn't feel anything, really. So I thought, maybe the next one will speak to me. Still nothing. I stayed positive.

That was really good. Thanks.

And so it went till I'd read through the entire stack of devotionals. In the past, I would feel a lot. The devotionals were just jumping-off points for long, soul-quenching conversations with God. It didn't take much for me to feel God's presence, to sit with Him in silence or talk about a million things. But that day, I struggled to find one nugget--something to think about--from these tried and true devotionals. I tried to find something to store in my heart, to pray about and dwell on throughout the day, but I felt nothing. I might have felt more if I had read a soup can label.

Not to be deterred, I picked up my Daily Bible--the one that helps you read through the entire bible in a year. Surely, God will speak to me through His Word! 

I flipped to that day's passage and read the old testament excerpt. I knew the story--Abraham makes his servant place his hand on his thigh and swear to bring his son, Isaac, a wife. Isaac ends up marrying his dad's grand-niece, which would make her his...I don't know, some sort of relative. 

I kept waiting for God to poke my heart, to fill me with the usual feelings of awe and wonder I feel when I read His word. 

I didn't feel anything. I kept thinking about the large gold nose ring and bracelets the servant gave Isaac's future-wife. I couldn't stop wondering what they looked like.

I read the passages from the old testament, Psalms and Proverbs. Still nothing. 

I began to pray but sort of gave up halfway through. 

For the first time in our relationship, I felt like God wasn't there. 

I mean, I know He's still there. And everywhere. I just didn't feel like He was there with me. (I feel sacrilegious for saying this. Please understand that this is just how I felt.)

Where was He? Why wasn't He talking to me?

In all the years I'd flaked on Him or rescheduled our "dates", I always knew He would be waiting for me when I was ready. This time, I felt like I showed up, and He stood me up.

It felt--feels--strange. 

I confided in my friend, Nannette, about it. I wasn't looking for a formula to guarantee God would show up next time, that I would feel His presence again if I just did certain things. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't crazy. I wanted to know if I was the only person who'd experienced this. She assured me I wasn't. She told me to keep seeking Him--even if I don't feel anything--because our relationship with Him should be founded in faith, not feelings. 

This made sense to me. I'm not married and un-married whenever I feel like it. God doesn't just want to be friends, with benefits. He wants a relationship. He wants me to pursue Him.

I respect that. I mean, I have to. I'm not sure how long the silence will last, but I will keep showing up to meet with God, even if I'm just sitting there alone.

I know He's not far.

II.

I've never understood when other people have said they don't feel anything when they talk to God. Now I do. Have you ever felt this way?